


How The Fuck Are You Still Alive?

by HiIWriteCringeyStoriesOnTheInternet (orphan_account)



Series: What if... [4]
Category: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bad Writing, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Treated Somewhat Seriously, DON’T READ THIS FIC IF YOU DON’T WANT GOSH DARN SPOILERS, Failed small section of angst, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, I failed at being deep, I failed very badly, I tried to be deep, M/M, Might write more, Spoilers, Spoilers Endgame, Spoilers for Endgame, WATCH THE MOVIE IF YOU DON’T WANT GOSH DARN SPOILERS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 07:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18586435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/HiIWriteCringeyStoriesOnTheInternet
Summary: SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME!!!!!Summary in notes.Let me be happy marvel gODDAMNIT-





	How The Fuck Are You Still Alive?

**Author's Note:**

> AGAIN I CAN’T WARN YOU ENOUGH THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THE SUMMARY ND IN THE STORY SO IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FILM YET GO DO THAT!!!!!
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> _________________
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> Avengers Endgame but Tony doesn’t die, who tf is Morgan and Steve doesn’t break my goddamn heart. (Also, Natasha and the original Gamora are back because F*CK YOU MARVEL I CAN HAVE PLOTHOLES AND THINGS THAT DON’T MAKE SENSE IN MY STORY JUST LIKE YOU DO IN ENDGAME.)
> 
>  
> 
> I wrote this to try and escape the nightmare that was Endgame’s ending.

 

 

Tony poised his fingers to snap them but was tackled to the ground by a blur of dirty blonde hair.

 

Thor yanked Tony’s makeshift gauntlet off his hand and shoved it onto his own hand. Tony’s eyes widened in panic and he jumped back up to try and grab the gauntlet back but was too late when Thor snapped his fingers, the blast sending Tony flying backwards though before he could hit the ground Steve caught him.

 

Everyone held their breath and for a moment everything went still.

 

 

 

 

And then Thanos’ army started to fade into dust.

 

Tony’s heart pounded in his chest and his eyes started watering when he saw a burn slowly travelling across the left side of Thor’s arm and face.

 

 

“Thor!” Valkyrie screamed, racing to the gods side.

 

Avengers and Guardians alike all ignored the villains who were screeching their protests as they faded away (and especially ignored Thanos who sat on a log looking like a dumb piece of shit as he disappeared) and also ran to the fallen gods side.

 

O

 

“Thor? Thor buddy are you ok?”

 

“Thor we’re gonna get you somewhere safe alright?”

 

“Dipshit don’t you dare die now! Not after everything we just fucking went through!”

 

Voices were coming from all sides but Thor could only see vague shapes and hear muffled noises. Thor could feel a lump settle in his throat and his eyes burned when the inevitability of his death began to settle.

 

 

At least until a sharp voice that Thor almost couldn’t believe was real cut through the fuzziness he felt.

 

 

“Thor! You absolute **_oaf_** what in the name of the Nordic _**fuck**_ were you thinking!?!” Cold, pale hands cupped his face and pulled Thor’s face closer to the kneeling smaller god.

 

Vaguely he could feel the gauntlet being yanked off his hand and hands ushering him to his feet but other than that everything was a blur of screaming, crying and spells. Lots and lots of spells.

 

 

 

He also heard quite a clear yell of “HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE” from a voice that sounded suspiciously like Tony’s that was probably directed at Loki.

 

Thor chuckled in his dazed state.

 

_Humans are strange things. Loki coming back after being presumed dead is just about the least surprising thing out of all the events that just unfolded._

 

 

————/————

“Think he’s gonna be ok Cap?” Tony asked as he paced back and forth outside of Thor’s hospital room as Loki refused to allow anyone but him and Dr Strange inside.

 

 

“I don’t know Tony. I honestly don’t know anymore.” Steve’s voice was shaky and he kept his face covered behind his palms.

 

 

“Hey c’mon Cap, you’re meant to be the optimistic one out of the two of us. Remember? I’m the cynical and realistic bastard and you’re...you’re captain fucking America. You’re the face (and ass) of America.” Tony saw Steve’s hunched shoulders shake slightly and couldn’t tell if it was from him laughing or crying.

 

Tony felt his heart crack a little when he heard sniffles coming from Steve as the shaking persisted and it became clear he was crying.

 

Suddenly it’s like the wind got knocked out of him.

 

He choked out a wheezed “Steve”, the man in question snapping out of his self-pitying state the second he heard Tony, before rushing into the blondes now open arms.

 

 

Tony sobbed and shook, crying “It should have been me, I should have sacrificed myself, i’m the least important one here, my life over anyone else would have been a better decision,” and Steve just rubbed circled across his back and kept their foreheads pressed together.

 

 

“Tony you know that’s not true. If you were gone after everything we’ve been through we’d all be absolutely miserable.” Steve pressed a kiss to the tip of Tony’s nose and adjusted him so that he was straddling Steve’s lap.

 

“ _But you’d all get over my death_.” Tony pulled back slightly from Steve to look-really look-into those accepting, yet slightly baffled eyes.

 

“My death wouldn’t cause anyone to venture to the past and do everythingall over again just to save me.” Steve’s eyes darkened and he pulled his arms away from Tony’s back to settle a firm grip on his hips.

 

“ _I_ would Tony. I’d destroy and I’d rip apart the space time continuum, the universe, the whole gosh-forsaken galaxy if it meant you’d be back with me.” And it scared Tony to see just how serious Steve was being, to see that this kind and wonderful man would (in the event of Tony’s death) do whatever it takes to get him back.

 

 

Even if it meant striking a deal with Hela herself to ensure Tony would never leave him for the clasps of death.

 

 

(Which he had already done but let’s not talk about that rn m’kay)

 

 

 

“Well that’s nice,” is all Tony said as he nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck.

 

 

————/————

 

“Why did I ever leave this idiot on his own?” Loki snarled under his breath as he gently brushed Thor’s hair to try and rid it of the thousands of knots that had formed out of his lack of proper hair care.

 

 

“Well his blood tests have come back just fine so we know none of his cells have been damaged, and the burns don’t appear to be doing anything but healing, though i’d like to keep him around for a few more days just to ensure that because the energy released from the gauntlet passed through his body and possibly his organs there’s nothing internal going on.” Loki listened intently to Strange and when he finished talking, pulled out a bottle of cream that was specially crafted by Loki himself to help with matted hair.

 

 

“So I heard you managed to escape death for-what-the third time now? Mind explaining how you managed to fool even Thanos that you were dead?”

 

“Well that’s a long story but my brothers hair will take a while to fix so I guess we’ve got time.”

 

After a few minutes of talking about how Loki once again outwitted everyone Strange and Loki engaged in a conversation about magic and quantum physics which they both surprisingly enjoyed.

 

 

 

Hours passed and just as Strange was packing up to head to the guest room of the Stark mansion he was allocated, the large blonde man on the bed began to stir.

 

 

“Mmm-Loki....hmhhmghmm.....Loki......LOKI!” Thor abruptly sat up and searched around the room with wild eyes before they softened after landing on the wiry form of Loki who was also packing up, regardless of the fact that his room was directly across this makeshift hospital room.

 

 

“Loki! You’re here!” Thor spun himself around to get off the bed and stand though Loki hurried to his side and pushed him back down.

 

 

“Sit down you fool! Don’t put so much strain on your muscles!”

 

 

“Well I guess I’ll leave you two to it...” Strange said as he left the room while waving, though the two brothers didn’t even notice him, with Loki too busy fretting over his brother and Thor too busy basking in the glory he felt from being covered in affection from Loki.

 

“I missed you so much Loki,” Thor grinned and pulled Loki onto his lap. Loki grinned back up at him though it lacked its normal bite and sharp edge to it and looked almost sweet.

 

Loki glanced down at Thor’s stomach and looked back up at Thor with a mischievous glint in his forest-green eyes.

 

 

“Looks like someone’s been getting a little bit pudgy while I was away~” Loki teased as he slipped a hand under Thor’s shirt and caressed the round belly.

 

“I know when I’m being mocked brother,” Thor huffed and pulled Loki’s hand out from his shirt so that he could kiss his icy and slender hands.

 

“Sorry, Sorry,” Loki was smiling smugly up at Thor, though the mischief in his eyes had died down a little. Loki cuddled up against Thor’s chest and caressed his long strands of hair.

 

 

“Did you wash my hair?” Thor asked as he moved them so that they were spooning one another.

 

 

“It was so coarse it reminded me of rope, of course I had to wash your hair,” Loki scoffed as he turned them both around using hints of his Seiðr and wrapped his arms around Thor and pulled the blondes back to his chest.

 

 

With a quick flick of his wrist the lights went out and the two simply sat in the darkness, just basking in the warmth of being with each other.

 

 

 

 

 

“I love you Loki.” Thor whispered as he drifted off asleep.

 

 

“I love you too.” Loki mumbled and felt his cheeks burn as he too fell asleep.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Surprised you read till the end.
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> What’d ya think?


End file.
